Almost Christmas

I cannot believe that it has been seven months or so since I updated this blog. I never did get my spring. Spring and summer and fall came and went and I never felt as if spring came. The spring, summer,and fall of my grief melted right into the winter of my grief and all that has changed is that I am having more anxiety than I have ever had in my life. I do not really know what the source of my anxiety is, but it sure is worse.  Life has been busy. The hole left in our hearts by Katie leaving is not any smaller. Life just has to go on as long as we are blessed with life here on this earth. Ashley started to college this fall and she is having a pretty hard time adjusting to college. This week is her finals week, and she is really stressed. I have been trying to help her as much as I can, but she is just really experiencing terrible anxiety about tests, and also about alot of things. She is angry a lot. But at least we are all up and moving and doing the best we can. There have been lots of times in the last seven or eight months when I did not get up and move. I just laid in bed many days and cried. This is so hard and it seems all of us who loved Katie are grieving in different ways. It is hard to talk to each other about it. We are doing the best we can. Roger and Ashley and I are involved in a grief support group. It seems to be helping some, how ever a lot of it does not apply to us. Grieving for a grand child or a niece (In Ashey's case) is different that grieving as a parent, and our grief just is not as talked about as parental grief or grief of children for loss of a parent. All these losses are different. It is almost Christmas and I find it so hard still to get in the Christmas Spirit. Although I have to for my sweet Laura Beth. It is just so hard. So many memories of Katie's Christmases and Katie's last Christmas. I know my Katiebug is having a blast in Heaven, and she will have a Wonderful Christmas with Jesus, but I am missing her so much. Will there ever be a Christmas when I will feel like I used to about this season? I don't know. I still feel physically ill every time I forget for a moment that Katie is gone, and then I remember. She was such a wise, interesting child. I miss our conversations. I miss her excitement, and her ecentricies. I miss our picnics at the park in the summers, and I miss eating circle sandwiches with Katie. I just miss her.Thanks for reading.