Well it has been so so long since I posted on this blog, but this Nana's grief has not lessened. It has become deeper and more raw if anything. It will be nine months on May 5 since Katie left us, and yet I miss her more each day. I am aware that I was not my sweet girl's favorite person. That would have been her mom tied with her dad, and after that probably Ashley, her auntie Ashee that is. Perhaps I miss her more and feel an even deeper sense of grief than I would have if she had loved me best. I know she loved me and I loved her beyond words, but the closeness she had with her parents and with Ashley, was different. Right before Katie died I dreamed that I died and went to heaven and Katie came right up to me and sat on my lap....this is something she did not do often here on earth. Once in a while but mostly it was mom's lap or Ashley's lap. She was the most intelligent child I have ever known or will probably ever know. She was an "old soul" with a maturity far beyond her years. Don't get me wrong, she could throw a tantrum with the best of three or four year olds. But there was something so different and mature about her that is beyond human description. How many four year olds, sick or not, would ask Jesus into their heart and have a deeper understanding of the significance of that act than most adults? Katie did, and if she had not gotten cancer, I am certain she would have accepted salvation at a very young age. She just had a deep understanding of the world and God and other "grown up" things. If I live to be a hundred I will never understand why God had to call her home so quickly. I know each of our days are numbered by the Lord long before we were even concieved in the womb, and I know God knew exactly what Katie's fate was to be long before she was born, but we did not. We grew to love and cherish this beautiful angel on earth, and giving her back to God was something we were required to do, but it was the hardest time in all of the members of our family's lives. I do have some regrets.....maybe I should have tried harder to get closer to Katie, maybe I should have gotten down on the floor more with her, but I know in my heart that would have just meant more rejections for me. Katie loved me but she did not want me for a playmate. She did want me to be her conversationalist. We spent literally hours talking about all kinds of subjects, ranging from her daily activities and friends, to Jesus, and God and how much she loved her Lord. Sometimes we just talked about colors; she definately had her favs....pink and blue. She knew my fav color as well and would point out things she saw that were purple which is my fav color. She knew my favorite color, my favorite movie, my fav friends, and all kinds of insignificant other things about her nana. The ammount of knowledge she aquired in her short four years and remembered was as vast as the different subjects she either had knowlege of or an opinion about. She had LOTS of OPPINIONS! And if she didn't want to do something she would Yell "Double NO".
You knew she was serious then and any coaxing you might do to change her mind would NOT WORK.
We shared a LOVE of Learning. I loved endulging her obsessions, such as circle sandwiches. You KNOW that they taste better! She demanded an order to all areas of her life. She was like this even before she got cancer, but she became more so because things like the order of things or the cleanliness of her hands or the color of her clothes, was something she could control in a world of cancer chaos where she had no control.
I am going to close this post because it is late, but I will try not to post again in the near future and try to tie some of this fragmented information together.
